Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby…With Your Teen

Article written by: Julie Reichenberger

Often one of the most dreaded conversations of parenthood – sex- is one that is in need of most attention.

Denver Therapist and Owner of Denver Metro Counseling, Julie Reichenberger

There are many reasons parents and guardians balk at the idea of talking about sex with their teen. For starters, many adults are not comfortable talking about sex in their own relationships, much less, even knowing what they do and don’t like about sex themselves.

Some people grow up feeling shame around having questions and curiosities about sex, sexuality, masturbation, porn, relationships, dating, sexual expression, and even their bodies due to their own parents discomfort with sex, teachings on abstinence and a lack of education in the home and at school.

While there are many things to consider when talking about sex with your teen, I have narrowed down some starting points and provided resources to further your comfort in having this important conversation.

How To Have a Sex Talk with Your Teen

Get familiar with sex talk yourself

Many people are not comfortable talking about sex themselves, so the thought of having a conversation with their teen becomes even more daunting. Luckily, there are a lot of reputable, factual resources  out there for you to explore and answer the questions you have, too.

The Center for Parent and Teen Communication has a list of great resources (some mentioned in this article) for parents to use as a guide to talking with their teens about sex, sexual consent, safe sex, healthy relationships, sexual health, gender identity, sexual orientation and more.

Mindfulness Coach and mother of two teen girls, Caroline Harris shares: “I have just seized opportunities to talk to them openly and honestly when the opportunity presents itself. If they are talking about it in school, I take that as a door to follow up on what they are learning. I know my girls are open to hearing it and I’ve kept it age appropriate, but also, they know a lot more than we think, so I approach the conversation completely honest and willing to talk without shame.” 

Talk about values; theirs and yours

The teen years are filled with varying levels of exposure to sex, drugs, social media and decisions, decisions, decisions.

Read More: “5 Reasons Your Teen Doesn’t Talk To You”

Teens learn from the adults in their lives and you have a lot of influence in their decisions.

Sharing your values about healthy sexuality and making health choices when it comes to sex opens the door for them to begin to thinking about their values regarding sex and sexuality and what they want for themselves.

Even if you value waiting until marriage to have sex, your teen may feel different and despite your best efforts to encourage them to wait, they may, and they may not.

Having conversations with them about safe sexual practices,  sexual consent, sexual health, sexual desires, attraction, and hormones can support them in making choices that are healthier versus learning from their friends or the internet.

Some questions to consider:

What do they know about sex and sexuality?

How to they feel about sex?

What are they curious about?

How do they want sex to be a part of their life both now and in the future.

Are they interested in exploring their sexuality?

Are they certain they want to be in a relationship first?

Do they know about healthy sexual practices?

Who do they feel comfortable talking about sex with?

Power to Decide is a great resource that guides young people through the latest facts about issues like sex, relationships, abstinence, and birth control with the goal of reducing too-early pregnancies so youth can enjoy their teen years.

“We’re not telling you how to live your life…we just want to give you some food for thought and the latest facts. It’s up to you to make your own smart decisions.”

Start the Conversations about sex young and keep them going

There are age appropriate guidelines to having conversations about sex with kids. One place to start is naming body parts using their actual name versus a nickname for parts is one place to start.

Read More: “What Parents Need To Know About Social Media And Teens’ Self-Esteem”

Using body part language, normalizes conversations about our bodies and the parts that are used for sex and reproduction.

Physician Assistant and mother of three pre-teen girls, Emily Hennes suggests, “The American Girls’ books ‘The Care and Keeping of You’(there is a level one and two) is good for kids and parents to read.” 

She goes on to say, “This is a good place to start. I talk to them and try to encourage open communication regarding questions they may – and do have.”

In this two-part series, girls will find age-appropriate answers to questions about their changing bodies, from hair care to healthy eating, bad breath to bras, periods to pimples, and everything in between.

Other recommendations from Colorado expert in sexual violence prevention, Tomei Kuehl: “Advocates for Youth has a pretty great curriculum – 3Rs. ‘Sex Is A Funny Word’ and ‘What Makes A Baby’ was one of my [early elementary] boys’ favorite. Amaze.org is awesome too. It’s short animated videos on different topics.”

Amaze is a free and fun resource to learn about sex and sexuality and has engaging, education, age-appropriate videos to help with having “the talk.”

When you start talking about sex from an educational stance first, talking about values, desires, relationships and the act of sex becomes easier for both you and your teen.

When you avoid talking about sex or use words in place of body part names, you may unintentionally discourage your teen to come to you when they are making decisions about sex or have questions.

Parents.com has a great article, “Best Sex Education Books for Kids By Age” that supports these recommendations and more.

Use The Resources Available To You

We haven’t even touched the ice berg in our listed resources above.

Read More: “Boundary Setting 101: A Guide for Parents and Teens”

There are an abundant of them, and it is important to find ones that are research-based and helpful for you.

Become familiar with the curriculum your kids and teens are learning at school.    Use this as a stepping stone for you to start conversations. Ask them questions about their learnings. You may learn something from them, and that’s okay!

Having skills to talk about sex and sexuality in relationships is part of having a healthy relationship with healthier communication and boundaries.

Knowing how to have conversations about sexuality, sexual health and healthy sexual relationships supports better mental health, increase likelihood consent is part of a sexual experience and can reduce fear associated with talking about sex.

Even with all the resources and guidance out there, talking about sex may be difficult for you for a variety of reasons.

Perhaps talking about sex was seen as taboo growing up. Maybe it was seen as shameful or embarrassing. Regardless of the reason, sex and sexuality is part of being human and can be a very healthy part of life.

Learning to have a healthy relationship with sex, sexuality, your body and your self can start young.

If you want more one-on-one help with having these conversations with your teen, our teen therapists in Denver can help. You are not alone in parenting. Support is available to you in many places.

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Julie is the owner of Denver Metro Counseling and has been working with teens and adults since 2006.

She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Approved Clinical Supervisor, EMDR Certified, an EMDRIA Approved Consultant and a Certified Psychedelic Therapist. 

Julie also provides Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy (KAP) and works collaboratively with prescribers to help clients through this integrative process.

Julie specializes in working with trauma, suicide risk, ADHD, anxiety, depression, and supporting other therapist through personal and professional growth. 

Follow Julie on Instagram @julie_thetherapist or Facebook @julie_thetherapist