Boundary Setting 101: A Guide for Parents and Teens 

Article written by: Denver Therapist, Shelby Aronoff

It is impossible to control who teenagers choose to hang out with and spend their time engaging with.

Denver Therapist, Shelby Aronoff

Parents of course, hope and expect that the people who their children consider to be friends are promoting a safe and caring environment, yet this is not always the case.

It is important for both parents and teens to learn and understand what boundaries are, how to set them, and what signs to look out for when identifying unhealthy relationships.

As a teen or young adult, you are in the process of creating your own unique identities as you find your place in your community and the world.

Although this is a very exciting time in your life, it also means that it is more difficult for you to identify unhealthy relationships or set clear boundaries with others who can end up hurting you verbally, emotionally, or even physically.

What Is a Boundary?

Simply put, a boundary is a definitive thing that indicates the limits of an area.

It is the dividing point.

Boundaries cannot be assumed.

Rather, they are only successfully understood when they are clearly set through the practice of communication and sharing. Let your voice be heard!

When it comes to relationships it is important for us to set clear boundaries as well as use our voice when a certain boundary has been crossed.

How do I Set Boundaries?

Think about the people, places, and things that you value in your life. These will help you define where your boundaries should be placed and will help you to determine if a line has been crossed.

Read More: “What Are Boundaries And Why Are They Important? Learn to Set And Keep Boundaries”

Ask yourself: What makes me feel valued, supported, and safe?

Ask yourself: What makes me feel uncomfortable, disrespected, and unsafe?

Once you have pinpointed these lines, the next step is to communicate these boundaries to the people in your life and make sure that they understand and respect your limits.

It is also equally as important to let others know when you are being pushed past a set boundary.

Identifying Unhealthy vs. Healthy Boundaries

Respect of Time/Place

Unhealthy Boundaries: If you are leaving little to no time for yourself or find yourself spending time in places or doing activities that go against your values/beliefs, this is a good indicator that you have not been clear with what your boundaries are.

Perhaps you have not taken the time to identify boundaries with yourself and/or others.

If you make plans with someone and they cancel or show up late consistently, this is a sign that your time is not being considered and can be viewed as pushing your time boundary.

Healthy Boundaries: A healthy boundary has been successfully set when those around you respect your time, your values, and allow you to put yourself first when it is best for your physical or mental health or overall well-being.

Setting healthy boundaries for yourself, is recognizing when you have too much on your plate and are not taking care of your time needs.

Part of setting reasonable boundaries with others means also being clear about your own needs and respecting your boundaries yourself.

Losing Touch with Who You Are

Unhealthy Boundaries: If you begin to notice or recognize that the only way you can get close with someone is by changing yourself and who you are, this means that you should assess if a line has been crossed in some way with that person.

Read More: “5 Tips to Engaging with Your Teen”

If you find that you are changing who you are or sacrificing what is important to you in a way that is not a healthy compromise, then you are not respecting your own boundaries and self.

Healthy Boundaries: A healthy boundary means that someone understands who you are and accepts you even if you are different than them in some way or possess different values, interests, or beliefs.

They do not try to change you or push you to adhere to their expectations, rather they value and accept what you bring to the relationship.

Shifting Your Boundaries/Making exceptions

Unhealthy Boundaries: If others are trying to convince you to alter or change your set boundaries and do so in a disrespectful way, this is NOT okay.

If a person truly wants to be a part of your life, they will always honor and respect your limits.

Setting new boundaries with friends and family can be a hard adjustment for everyone involved.

Be patient when setting new boundaries or expressing boundaries for the first time. Re-state your needs as many times as you need.

This is a process that may take time for others to understand.

However, if over time it is clear that someone is not going to respect your limits, then this means it is important reassess the value or dynamic of the relationship that exists.

Healthy Boundaries: In a healthy relationship, others may question your boundaries, but they WILL respect those you set.

Taking time to understand where your lines are placed and why the boundary exists means that an individual wants to make the effort to respect your limits.

They will never put pressure on you to change your core principles and will never ask you to make an exception when it comes to the boundaries you have in place.

How Do I Set Healthy Boundaries in Different Areas of My Life?

Emotional Boundaries:

These boundaries relate to your feelings. When and how do you open up to others and share personal information should be a gradual process.

Read More: “Resilience Helps Teens Thrive. Learn How To Build Resilient Teens”

Only let others in when you feel they truly earned your trust and respect.

If you meet someone who you wish to form a relationship with, make sure you identify your emotional boundaries early on in this relationship.

Make sure that someone is clear about who you are as a person, where you come from, and the things that you have experienced that contribute to who you are.

Be open about how certain things make you feel and why you feel that way.

Setting an emotional boundary means both expressing emotions and sharing emotional experiences to explain why you have set certain boundaries for yourself.

The more a person understand how you feel, the easier it is for them to respect your boundaries in a healthy way.

A good example of this is with social media. It can be a very positive thing to be able to so conveniently share your life with others, however, remember that your personal information is to be valued and you should always be thoughtful and cautious about what you share and who with.

Material Boundaries:

This relates to what you physically share with others. Examples of this may be money, space, and personal belongings.

You may value generosity, but it is essential to know your limits.

You might lend some money to a friend in need. If they never pay you back it might feel easier to just allow this.

However, it is important to state your feelings about this in very clear way if this is a boundary you have set with them.

Or let’s say someone borrowed an item of value from you and never returned it. Communicate with them your values about this and voice why it is important to you for them to return it.

Physical Boundaries:

How comfortable you are in your physical space is so important and unique to you.

Express to others when it is okay and not okay to touch you, how they are allowed to touch you, and let others know when you feel this line is being crossed.

A sign of a healthy physical boundary is when others express an understanding and awareness of what is appropriate and what is not appropriate from your perspective.

Word of Advice for Parents

Be Patient and Understanding

It might be your parental instinct to jump in and immediately protect your teen from those you deem to be toxic and harmful to them.

However, it is important for teens to learn and understand why someone may have disrespected their boundaries.

This is a conclusion teens and young adults need to come to on their own. The only exception of course is when their health and safety are proven to be at risk.

Go about this very thoughtfully and be a support for your teen rather than instructing them to make decisions you believe to be best. Listen to what they have to say and teach them what it means to be a true friend!

Talk it Out

If you or your teen or young adult are struggling with relationship boundaries, therapy can be a useful tool and helpful resource.

Our Denver therapists can help support you in identifying what your values are, what your boundaries look like, and how you can take steps to clarify boundaries for yourself and others.

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Shelby Aronoff is a Licensed Social Worker who works with teens and adults in Denver, Colorado. She helps people navigate anxiety, depression, trauma, ADHD, relationship conflict, and more.

Learn more about Shelby.