5 Ways To Survive The Holidays With A Dysfunctional Family

This holiday season, the potential for a family gathering may be increased. The holidays can be a time when expectations are higher, tolerance is lower, and childhood roles play out.

Whether you identify as having a functional or dysfunctional family; pressure during the holiday season is not uncommon when relatives gather.

If you identify as being part of a dysfunctional family or having dysfunctional family dynamics, the holidays can be an exceptionally difficult time to navigate and family issues can surface.

It only takes one person to change a family dynamic with dysfunctional or unhealthy relational patterns.

Even though it may take time, there is reward in showing up differently and making progress.

The first step is to acknowledge that your family may have some dysfunctional patterns. Once you have awareness, you can move on to acceptance and action to help strengthen your skills rather than relying on tools that no longer serve you.

A tool that may have been helpful as a young person may not be supportive as an adult.

If you grew up in a dysfunctional family or difficult family; there are several roles that you may have played out at any time to help your survival.

Lost Child – You may have been a lost child if you became needless and wantless to avoid conflict.

Hero – If you were prone to saving the day with valiant efforts and overachieving, you may be a hero in your family.

Scapegoat – If you bore the brunt of jokes to protect other family members or yourself, you may have been in a scapegoat role.

Mascot – You may have been the mascot in your family if you made jokes to keep your family laughing instead of fighting. You were the comic relief.

You can still remain functional within family dysfunction during the holiday according to Denver Therapist Molly Ward a Licensed Clinical Social Worker at Denver Metro Counseling. 

“We don’t have to spend time with our family of origin on holidays, but if we do, it can take some serious boundary setting and mental preparation,” Ward said.

No matter what, there are ways to ease tension during a holiday gathering.

Here are 5 ways to survive your holiday when you identify as having a dysfunctional family.

1.    Set Reasonable Expectations.

When you set up reasonable expectations with family members, you can avoid pre-meditated resentments and participating in family drama. If you know the limits of certain people, avoid setting yourself up for failure by expecting something different.

If a family member is consistently late to gatherings, give yourself other options. You can start without the person, plan a longer time for appetizers, or have another activity planned instead of dinner.

If you begin seething with resentment, it may be worth switching the plan for yourself and others.

You can set limits to protect yourself from a toxic person and toxic behavior. When you set a healthy boundary for yourself, you can relieve anxiety and improve family relationships over time.

You don’t have to change another person to change yourself.

2.    Spend Time on Low Key Activities.

If you identify as having a dysfunctional family, big outings can often be combustible.

If you aren’t ready for conflicts, other opinions, and clashing personalities; it’s usually best to plan easy events. For example, you can watch a movie.

Read More:”Feeling Stressed? Take A Time Out This Holiday Season”

Accept that not everything will go smoothly, and you will hit bumps along the way.

Be prepared to change your course of action, like seeing two movies instead of one or watching at home rather than getting transportation to the theater.

Family get togethers can turn into tense situations quickly so taking the pressure off the holiday event can mitigate hurt feelings.

You can front load your agenda with low key activities before guests arrive.

If the activity turns out different than expected, attempt to let it go.

There is no such thing as perfect families, especially during a family holiday event.

The goal is to be responsive in situations, rather than reactive.

3.    Take Breaks.

You won’t be able to control other people, but you can control yourself. You can set up time limits for yourself and take plenty of breaks.

If you are part of a dysfunctional family, shorter times together can often be more beneficial.

If you know you get tired at the one-hour mark, go home or take a break. Come with an exit strategy before you arrive to the event.

It is helpful to know how much time you want to spend, how you are getting home, and what your self-care plan is after the event.

By keeping these things in mind, you can stop surprising yourself with learned patterns.

4.    Select Self-Care.

Giving yourself a plan before you spend time with a dysfunctional family can be a form of self-care.

You know your thresholds based on past behaviors, so admit them to yourself before you start interactions.

You can let others know that you don’t want to discuss certain topics, refrain from giving an opinion, and take care of yourself.

Standing up for yourself is self-care. You don’t have to shower yourself with expensive gifts to give yourself validation.

You can take a warm bath with a favorite bath bomb, have a treat planned when you get home, or simply allow yourself a couple of hours of tv watching time with a show of your choice.

If you are able, remove the guilt so that you can enjoy your selected self-care to the fullest.

5.    Limit Alcohol Consumption.

Even though it can be tempting to overindulge with alcohol during the holidays, drinking large amounts of alcohol is a recipe for reactionary behavior with family members.

When your inhibitions are lowered, you may say and do regretful things that you can’t take back.

Dysfunctional families are often in denial and don’t easily forgive mistakes. Sometimes, dysfunctional families have a history of addiction within their immediate family or extended family.

When you limit your own alcohol consumption, you have a better chance of contributing to family function and avoiding a shame spiral. When you use substances; you limit your options.

It’s more difficult to exit the gathering, refrain from starting an argument, and acting appropriately.

Give yourself as many options as you can when you are part of a dysfunctional family.

Read More: “What Are Boundaries And Why Are They Important? Learn To Set And Keep Boundaries”

The holidays can be a time when emotions are heightened, but when you have a dysfunctional family, the gatherings can be more charged.

The idea of a happy family at a dinner table may be in your mind, and that may not be your reality.

It’s difficult to let go of the feeling that image brings, and you can make different choices at any time.

Allow yourself the space to acknowledge that you have to do extra work to remain functional within a dysfunctional family.

There are ways to experience less shame and make better choices, even when you identify as having a dysfunctional family. You may even enjoy yourself when you tap into tools that are most supportive for you.

When you know your own limits, you can act responsibly and lovingly toward yourself and others.

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Written by: Randi Thackeray, MA
Clinically Reviewed and Edited by: Julie Reichenberger, MA, LPC, ACS, ACC