Understanding Codependency: How to Recognize and Break Free 

Article written by Denver therapist, Lauren Battista

Is Someone Else’s Problem Your Problem?

Do you find yourself constantly prioritizing others’ needs over your own?

Do you feel responsible for fixing other people’s problems, even at the expense of your own well-being?

If you often say “yes” when asked for help—despite feeling drained or overwhelmed—you may be experiencing codependency. 

Codependency can feel like an addiction to another person, where your self-worth is tied to your ability to care for them.

If the thought of stepping back and prioritizing yourself feels impossible or terrifying, this article is for you. 

What Is Codependency?

Codependency is a pattern of over-focusing on others at the expense of one’s own needs, emotions, and identity.

Read More: “Attachment Trauma: What It Is and How To Heal”

It often stems from a desire to feel needed, to maintain control, or to avoid dealing with personal pain.

Codependent relationships have a somewhat obsessive quality, making it difficult to set boundaries, detach, or say “no”—even when the relationship is unhealthy. 

While codependency itself is not a clinical diagnosis, it often coexists with mental health challenges such as anxiety, depression, and PTSD. 

What Causes Codependency?

Codependency is often rooted in early experiences of trauma, neglect, or growing up in a household where emotional needs were ignored or dismissed.

Children in these environments may learn that prioritizing others’ needs is necessary for survival and repeat behaviors learned early on in their relationships as adults, which can be detrimental. 

This dynamic can be particularly prevalent in families affected by substance abuse, mental illness, or emotionally unavailable caregivers. 

Even if childhood trauma was subtle, people with codependent tendencies may have learned that their worth was tied to being helpful, agreeable, accommodating, or self-sacrificing.

Over time, this pattern continues into adulthood, shaping relationships in unhealthy ways. 

What Does Codependency Look Like? 

Codependency can show up in many ways, including:

Read More: “The Balanced Relationship:Understanding Interdependence and Codependence”

• Taking on excessive household or relational responsibilities to “keep the peace.” 

• Avoiding confrontation in any way possible to maintain approval from a partner, friend, or family member. 

• Losing interest in personal goals, hobbies, or friendships because the relationship takes up all available emotional energy. 

• Feeling trapped in a relationship despite recognizing the presence of unhealthy patterns. 

• Sacrificing one’s own needs and well-being to accommodate another person, repeatedly. 

Types of Codependency

Codependency doesn’t just exist in romantic relationships—it can also occur in friendships, familial relationships, and even professional settings. 

• Romantic relationships: A partner’s emotions dictate your own, and you may feel responsible for their happiness, stability, or well-being. Over time, this can lead to feelings of resentment and unhappiness.  

• Friendships: You may feel obligated to be the caretaker or “therapist” in your friendships, offering excessive emotional support at your own expense. This can lead to you feeling drained and causes an imbalance in the reciprocity of the friendship. 

• Family dynamics: You may take on a parental role, even as a child, managing responsibilities or emotions that should not have been yours to bear. 

Five Core Symptoms of Codependency 

1. Lack of Boundaries 

Difficulty distinguishing where your emotions and responsibilities end and another person’s begin.

You may struggle to say “no” or feel guilty when you do and end up saying “yes” to too many things, which can lead to you not being able to keep up with all the commitments you said you would, ultimately, putting yourself in a worse position.  

2. Low Self-Esteem 

Your sense of self-worth is dependent on external validation, particularly through helping others or being agreeable in some way.  

3. Denial and Suppression of Feelings 

You minimize your own emotions and needs, fearing that expressing them will cause conflict or rejection.

Making yourself “small” or “quiet” feels safer than being authentic and speaking your truth.  

4. People-Pleasing

Read More: “What Is Codependency and What Does It Mean For Relationships”

You go out of your way to keep others happy, even at your own expense.

You may find it difficult to advocate for your own needs, and this makes it difficult to feel really seen and valued by others.  

5. Fear of Rejection and Abandonment 

A deep fear of disapproval or abandonment leads to unhealthy attachment patterns and difficulty standing up for yourself.

This can cause people to accept poor treatment from others in an attempt to keep the relationship alive.  

Consequences of Codependency 

Unchecked codependency can lead to: 

• Loss of personal identity 

• Emotional exhaustion 

• Fear of abandonment 

• Increased risk of anxiety and depression 

• Attracting and maintaining relationships with emotionally unavailable or “needy” people 

• Difficulty forming healthy, reciprocal relationships 

How to Overcome Codependency 

Overcoming codependency requires self-awareness, intentional boundary-setting, and emotional healing. While it is not easy, it is possible. Here are some essential steps: 

1. Recognize the Pattern: Acknowledge the signs of codependency in your relationships. Here is a worksheet that can help you with recognizing codependent patterns.

2. Challenge Negative Thought Patterns: Identify limiting beliefs that reinforce self-sacrifice and replace them with healthier perspectives.

3. Set Boundaries: Learn to say “no” without guilt and establish clear emotional and physical boundaries. Start by saying “no” to small things in order to recognize that this is totally okay to do.
   
   Saying no when someone asks you if you can stop what you’re doing at work and help them. Even saying “I need some time to think about that” when asked to commit to something you feel unsure about are examples.

   Here is a worksheet that can help you to visualize your boundaries.

4. Practice Assertive Communication: Express your needs and desires openly without fear of rejection. Here is a worksheet that can help with this.

5. Develop Personal Interests: Reconnect with hobbies, passions, and social circles outside of the relationship. Try joining a gym or wellness community and make it a priority to connect with others.

6. Prioritize Self-Care and Compassion: Engage in activities that nourish your emotional and physical well-being. Set aside intentional time for yourself each day, even if that is just 5 minutes in the morning.

7. Seek Professional Support: Therapy can help uncover underlying wounds and develop healthier relational patterns.

8. Attend Support Groups: Groups like Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA), Al-Anon, or Codependents Anonymous provide guidance and community support. 

Breaking Codependency: Moving Toward Healthier Relationships 

Breaking free from codependency is a journey of self-discovery and self-worth.

Read More: “Polyvagal Theory & Mental Health Series: Co-Regulation in a Hyper-Independent World”

Even though it may feel like it, you are not responsible for fixing, rescuing, or maintaining another person’s emotional state.

Your needs, emotions, and well-being matter just as much as anyone else’s.

By focusing on your own growth, healing, and boundaries, you can cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships based on mutual respect and authenticity. 

Recommended Books on Codependency 

• Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
• The New Codependency by Melody Beattie 
• Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend
• Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Life by Pia Mellody
• Too Much. A Guide To Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency by Terri Cole

If you recognize yourself in these patterns, know that healing is possible. You deserve relationships that support your well-being rather than drain it.

Taking the first step toward change is the beginning of reclaiming your own sense of self and living a more balanced life.

Reach out to one of our therapists at Denver Metro Counseling to schedule a free consult if you are looking for more guidance in breaking codependent patterns.  

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Denver Therapist, Lauren Battista

Lauren Battista is a licensed trauma therapist and provides empathic and informed support for her clients as they navigate the nuances of human relationships.

With thoughtfulness, compassion, and supportive curiosity, she walks clients through the ick and difficult moments helping them learn more about themselves and returning to this intuitive knowing of themselves.

Lauren is trained in EMDR, Brainspotting, DBT, ACT, and Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy. If you’re curious about how you show up in relationships or want different relationship dynamics, reach out to schedule a consultation today.