The Balanced Relationship – Understanding Interdependence & Codependence

Most people strive for relationships without it.

Many people recognize that this trait of a relationship poses a challenge. This one thing can turn a relationship into a dysfunctional dynamic quickly.

We are talking about codependency.

It tends to be a buzzword, so we want to define our terms. According to Webster’s Dictionary, codependency is excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.

Normally, codependent relationships have a giver who does the caretaking and a taker who relies on that person to take care of them.

It can be a dysfunctional dynamic in relationships, and generally, it is not sought after when you are setting up the terms of a relationship even if it does feel like a comfortable pattern to you.

Recognizing Codependency In Relationships

When it comes to codependency, partnerships aren’t the only type of relationship that has this pattern. Codependency can also present itself in sibling relationships, parent-child relationships, and friendships.

Read More: “Polyvagal Theory & Mental Health Series: Co-Regulation in a Hyper-Independent World”

According to Men’s Health Magazine, the term codependency originated in the 1940s and it often pertained to people being treated for addiction and how their spouses as well as their family showed up for them.

When a study came out in 2018, it was noted that codependency has several themes: self-sacrifice, focusing on others, controlling behaviors, and difficulty identifying as well as expressing emotions.

Now that we understand more about codependency, what are some signs to look for so that you don’t get stuck in the same trap?

Signs And Symptoms Of Codependent Behavior 

Patterns that have been ingrained within you since childhood can be difficult to unlearn. Codependency might be one of those patterns.

You may have been taught from a young age that your job was to caretake a parent, sibling, or friend. Because of this modeling, you may pursue this same set up in current partnerships.

To help you navigate relationships, it can be important to look for the signs of codependency. They may include:

·      Ignoring your needs

·      Taking on someone else’s emotions instead of feeling your own

·      Lacking boundaries

·      Anticipating someone’s needs at the expense of your own

·      Taking on a different identity to satisfy someone else’s needs

·      Fear of abandonment and rejection

Though this is not an exhaustive list, it can be beneficial to note that codependency may lead to losing your sense of self in order to anticipate the needs of another person. You may be so fully in their life that you no longer live your own.

The Negative Effects Of Codependency on Relationships 

Codependency can be detrimental for several reasons, including a great impact on your mental health.

When you are in a codependent relationship, you may control someone’s life so that you don’t have to focus on your own.

There is often a payoff for both parties in codependent relationships, and no one comes out a hero.

The impacts of codependency on your mental health could present as anxiety, depression, helplessness, and trauma.

When you are anticipating the needs of someone else, it can be difficult to know the outcome, leading to anxiety.

If the outcome falls short of what you are expecting over and over again, you may see signs of depression. Codependency can also mean that the taker and giver in the relationship learn helplessness because of their dynamic.

All of this to say, trauma can definitely impact your mental health when you pursue, proceed, and remain persistent with codependent relationships.

So, what can you do instead?

This is a journey, not a destination. So, your actions may not change overnight.

However, interdependence can be the antidote to a codependent relationship.

The Concept of Interdependence

Rather than one person being completely dependent on the other person in a relationship, interdependence is when the relationship is mutually beneficial and both parties rely on each other, according to Webster’s Dictionary.

Read More: “Attachment Styles and How They Show Up in Relationships”

Interdependence is how strong relationships are built.

Each person in the relationship knows they can count on the other person without putting their own needs aside.

They don’t have to stuff their feelings, suppress their emotions, or anticipate the needs of their partner.

Each person comes together as independent humans and forms an interdependent bond.

Characteristics Of An Interdependent Relationship

According to Psychology Today, here are a few ways to build an interdependent bond with a person you love:

Be Vulnerable.

Being vulnerable can take time, so go easy on yourself. It can be difficult to open up with someone if you have a history of being hurt in the past.

This is why it can be really important to try again and unlearn patterns through individual therapy.

You can create a new story for yourself.

This doesn’t mean that you are sharing every detail in one sit down conversation, you might be revealing details organically through many open and honest conversations.

Reach For Growth, Not Trauma.

Read More: “Relationship Therapy for Singles? Yes! And Here’s Why”

When you are feeling a bond with someone, it can be helpful to have the goal of growth.

When you share only your trauma with another person, you may be trauma bonding.

Instead of trauma bonding, you may make the goal of being an improved version of yourself.

Traumatizing each other with past histories can be a sign of codependence rather than interdependence.

Check In With Each Other. 

Rather than continuing to stuff feelings, check in about feelings with the person who is in the relationship with you. This may mean that you say:

I’m telling myself _______, and I am wondering if there is any truth to it. How do you feel?

I am feeling the emotion of _________ because of ________. I don’t need it to be fixed, and I do want to speak up about it.

How can I support you with the way you are feeling right now?

What feels the most helpful to you at this moment?

Going from codependent to interdependent can take work, but it can also be worth the effort.

Your relationships can evolve and grow with an interdependent goal in mind.

If you’re curious about exploring your relationship patterns, therapy is a great place to start. Our Denver therapists help individuals gain insights into their own patterns in relationships. They help people understand why they react and behave in relationships the way they do. These powerful insights are the building blocks to developing healthy relationships.