How Your Expectations Of Relationships Influence The Relationships You Have

The truth about relationships is that they can get complicated, especially if you aren’t working on the relationship you have with yourself.

You do not have to wait for the perfect moment to be in relation with another person and being in a relationship with another person won’t fix you or them.

Trying to cure or control another person can delay your self-work. It may be a distraction so that you don’t have to focus on what is really happening for you.

Read More: “Questions To Consider When Navigating Relationships In Your Life”

You may notice that you seek out relationships with people who all feel the same to you or help you to feel a certain way.

This can be a sign that you are stuck in a relationship pattern that is no longer working for you. When this happens, therapy can help you to understand how to move forward.

In relationships, you may have low expectations because of impaired self-esteem or a history of trauma that impacts what you think about yourself.

It can be difficult to manage a healthy relationship with low expectations because you may not be treated well, which can lead to impacted mental health.

You may be seeking out the same type of person because they remind you of a parental figure or previous relationship.

Behavioral patterns normally exist for a reason, and it may be time to think about what type of relationships occur in your life.

Impossibly high expectations or unrealistic expectations can keep you alone because it may be scary to engage in love and trust another person.

Sometimes, you may need to check in with yourself about your expectations if you are showing signs of expectations that are no longer reasonable for another person.

Signs of impossibly high expectations in relationships or unrealistic expectations in relationships:

• You expect perfection out of yourself and the other person
• You nitpick or critique their actions all of the time
• You aren’t comforted by the person even if they give you exactly what you ask for
• You often feel resentment toward someone due to an unmet expectation
• You believe in a perfect relationship waiting for you
• You withhold forgiveness until your partner has proved they are sorry
• You victimize yourself to get your way or manipulate

High expectations are not the same as healthy relationship expectations.

You deserve to be in a loving relationship with someone who cares about you. Every person on the planet needs human connection, and that includes being in relationship that helps validate and affirm your identity.

Signs of healthy expectations in a relationship or a reasonable expectation in a relationship:

• Mutual understanding and respect with your partner
• You don’t keep the score of who did what in the relationship
• You feel safe to express your emotions and want to confide in your partner
• You are willing to forgive
• You presume positive intent and that both people are doing their best, even if it falls short sometimes
• You expect people to show up for you and can let go when they can’t
• Your personal boundaries are respected and honored
• Communication is open and honest without the silent treatment
• You show yourself self-love and are able to show up for others as well
• When you are vulnerable, you don’t expect to be fixed.

Read More: “The Truth About Hard Conversations And Helpful Tips”

Whether you are in a relationship with a partner or not, healthy expectations or realistic expectations can help you to improve your mental health.

Showing up for yourself in a meaningful way can help you to do the same for others.

When a relationship or relationship expectation seems difficult to navigate, a therapist can help.

Conflicting expectations and conflict are part of relationships that can lead to disappointment.

At Denver Metro Counseling, we do offer individual therapy and family therapy, to help people wanting to improve their relationships with themselves, their partners, family and other relationships.

We take a curious approach, exploring past and current relationships to help you understand how you show up for yourself and others and move toward healthier relationships.

You don’t have to struggle alone. There is help available.

If you are curious as to how well you know your partner, the Gottman Institute is a research-based approach to relationships and is led by American Psychologists, Drs. Julie and John Gottman. They provide a free relationship quiz here.

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Written by: Randi Thackeray, MA
Clinically Reviewed and Edited by: Julie Reichenberger, MA, LPC, ACS, ACC