How Is Your Relationship…With You?

Article written by Denver therapist, Shelby Aronoff

What defines a strong and healthy relationship?

Maybe it means that someone accepts who you are, makes you smile, or seems to be there for you when times are tough.

Perhaps a strong relationship for you is one that is based on trust, honesty, and respect.

Relationships are extremely important to us. We often invest a lot of our time and energy into our relationships with others in order to feel connected, accepted, valued, and loved.

However, there is one relationship that is by far the most essential to invest in, and that is the relationship that we create with ourselves.

Read More: “Embracing Your Inner Critic: A Guide to Managing Negative Self-Talk”

The way that we see and care for ourselves dictates how we perceive things as a whole.

Is the relationship you currently have with yourself one that promotes compassion, connection, partnership, or encouragement?

The honest answer is that there are times when we all are less than kind to ourselves, find it hard to accept and care for ourselves, and even choose to reject ourselves.

It is important to think about what might happen to our mental health when we ignore our own needs, continue to put ourselves down, and consistently discourage ourselves.

In this post, we explore why our self-relationships may turn toxic, how to best connect with ourselves based on our attachment patterns, ways to repair or enhance our self-relationship, and why the relationship with ourselves is the most important one that we will ever have.

Take Time to Reflect:

If you are unsure of what the status of your relationship with yourself currently is, then taking some time to reflect and develop self-awareness may empower you to make more conscious decisions about how you show up for yourself.

Are you in a committed relationship with yourself, or is it complicated?

What is your attachment style?

When it comes to relationships and the ways in which we are capable of making connections, it is important to be familiar with what attachment is.

Attachment begins to form and take shape the moment that we do, and our attachment styles are the result of our family history, our upbringing, and our personal experiences.

Attachment is the way in which we relate to and connect with others, and yes, this even includes ourselves!

There are four primary attachment styles:

Secure Attachment

Read More: “Questions To Consider When Navigating Relationships In Your Life”

Having a secure attachment style means that you welcome intimacy and validation from others, but that you are also comfortable and capable of validating yourself. You feel confident in knowing what you need to take care of yourself and in knowing how to cope when under stress.

Anxious Attachment

Having an anxious attachment style means that you might need a lot of reassurance in order to build trust in your relationships, and when it isn’t clear what is going right in the relationship, you may assume that everything is going wrong.

Avoidant Attachment

If you have a more avoidant attachment style, then you might find yourself resisting to make an authentic connection with yourself and others. Emotions might be an uncomfortable topic for you, and you may shut down when overwhelmed or stressed.

Disorganized Attachment

If you have a disorganized attachment style, then it may be hard to trust yourself or others. You may crave love and affection at times, but at others you could be hesitant to connect and prefer isolation.

How does attachment relate to your relationship with yourself?

Your attachment style can impact your responsiveness to yourself.

This means that you might overall be either unresponsive, insensitive, overly sensitive, or tolerant of your emotions, depending on the way you have learned to attach to others and yourself.

It is important to think about and try to understand what attachment style we exhibit with ourselves.

And, even if you find that you do not think you fully fit within one attachment style, that’s okay!

Thinking more deeply about this will help you to potentially change the relationship in a way that you will value and understand more. This way, we can connect with ourselves and others on a deeper level.

Where’s the [self] love?

When we wake up first thing in the morning and begin the start of our day, the story that we tell ourselves, or our self-narrative, also begins yet again.

Read More: “You Aren’t Perfect – Have Compassion For Yourself Anyways”

This is the moment when we begin to connect with ourselves in very specific ways.

It is easy to forget that each thing that we say to ourselves, what we do, how we relate to ourselves, or even how we look at ourselves in the mirror each day, is contributing to the story or narrative that makes up our reality.

The next time you wake up in the morning, take a pause and begin to notice what narrative is forming within you.

How much love or acceptance is being shown towards yourself during this time? If there is not very much, what can you do to change things?

Setting Boundaries with and for Yourself

When you think about your relationships with other people, family members and good friends, what boundaries have you set in place with them in order to maintain a healthy relationship?

Setting a boundary means that you have shared what it is you need from others in order to feel safe, respected, and seen in the relationship.

If, or when, we begin to notice that a relationship is not working out, this very likely means that boundaries are not being respected in some way.

Although it may feel quite natural to over time identify and create boundaries with others, we sometimes do not recognize that we should also be doing the same exact thing for ourselves.

Start the Conversation…With Yourself:

If you have never done so before, it might feel unusual or maybe even uncomfortable, but the next step is to try to check in with yourself. Ask yourself questions like:

– Am I feeling respected in this relationship?

– Is there a foundation of trust in this relationship?

– Do I feel recognized, cared for, and loved in this relationship?

– Do I feel safe in this relationship?

– Are my needs important in this relationship?

– Does this relationship promote my mental and physical well-being?

Break the Habit of Self-Rejection:

Once you have begun to gain a better understanding of the way your relationship with yourself works, notice if there are parts of the narrative that could change in order for the relationship to change for the better!

Read More: “5 Simple Ways To Build Self-Trust”

Some ideas include:

– Practice self-compassion and self-acceptance during hard times. (If you have trouble with this, consider seeking guidance and support from others who may be able to help.)

– Identify times when you can prioritize yourself and question if your needs are being focused on or met.

– Find ways to connect deeper with yourself and create a more secure attachment. (A therapist can provide guidance on moving to a more secure attachment)

– Intentionally make time and space for yourself.

– Engage in activities and behaviors that bring you joy.

Being in relationship with your self

While changing the way you relate or see yourself can be hard, it is possible. It will likely take time and being intentional. After all, the way you see yourself has developed over time and is influenced by our relationships with others.

By becoming more aware of your self-relationship, you could begin to see yourself in a completely new or different way.

You may feel more confident in your capability to handle stress or change, notice more enjoyment in spending time on your own, and possibly improve mental health and well-being overall.

In addition to this, your external relationships may also benefit from connecting deeper and more intimately with yourself.

When we are deeply connected to ourselves, it becomes much easier to connect with others and maintain additional relationships in a healthy way.

Curating a strong and healthy connection and relationship with ourselves is important because the stronger this relationship becomes, the deeper you are able to achieve balance in your life.

Tapping into this part of ourselves promotes a more fulfilling life, enjoyment and confidence.

Are you ready to get into relationship with your self?

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Denver Therapist, Shelby Aronoff

If you want to change the relationship you have with yourself, often, therapy can be a helpful place to start. As we get to know ourselves a little better, it can be helpful to have the support of someone who can guide us through the emotions that may arise.

Shelby is a strengths-based, trauma-informed Denver therapist who specializes in helping people to see a side of themselves they may not have known was there.

She helps people to re-connect with their true self, the one that hasn’t been harmed by others.

Shelby helps people navigate life from a place of compassion and curiosity. She helps people learn to see themselves in the way they see those they respect and love most.

If you’re interested in working with Shelby, reach out.