Getting Real About Relationships That Don’t Work in Your Life

Relationships in your life might not always be easy. Even still, they can be simple.

Simplicity within relationships can mean that you come to a place of acceptance about certain ideas that you have about partnering up, or being in relationship with people.

You might not get it right every single time. Finding a supportive relationship can mean that you have conversations rather than sweep problems under the rug, yell, or keep score.

Conversations can help many challenging factors within relationships, especially while you are navigating them.

Attachment styles, childhood relationships, hurtful relationship experiences, and trauma can all impact your choices when it comes to how you partner up and who you choose to partner up with in your life.

What are some simple truths when it comes to healthy relationships?

Healthy relationships do take effort.

Read More: “Attachment Styles and How They Show Up in Relationships”

Not every moment in a relationship will feel like a fairy tale. You won’t always feel delighted by your partner, and they won’t be able to make you feel complete.

In the beginning of a relationship, you may feel swept off your feet.

The romance can feel warm and inviting.

This doesn’t have to stop in a relationship, and it might not look the same throughout it.

When boring moments happen, you don’t necessarily need to break it off, you may need to get curious about what makes you think relationships always have to be exciting.

You can’t change your partner in a relationship. 

If you are dating someone because of who you think they can be rather than who they have expressed they are to you, it’s not fair to you or them.

Partnering up with someone because of their potential can lead to resentment by both people.

As you get to know someone, you can look and listen for signs that they are a healthy partner for you.

If you are seeing red flags, listen to the red flags. While we can have influence on our partner in a relationship, the red flags won’t turn green with your own will power, despite your best efforts.

Think about whether you can love a person as they are, and if you can’t, that’s okay. Make a new choice.

Attraction toward your partner can vary in a relationship.

During different points in your relationship, your attraction can change. Sometimes, you might feel really attracted to your partner and other times not at all.

Read More: “Beyond Heartbreak: Embracing Growth & Self-Discovery Post-Breakup”

You might not always miss them when they are away, and you may need space.

Fluctuations in attraction doesn’t always mean that the relationship needs to come to an end.

It may be an opportunity to have a conversation about how things are currently going in your relationship.

If you are struggling with sex, thinking about other options, or just not that into your partner; it can help to talk through this even though it can be difficult.

It can sound like:

Hey, I’m noticing a difference in our sex life. I loved when you did _______ and it is happening less. Is there a reason it has changed?

I am noticing that we are sitting around more and less active. I’d like to make a lifestyle change. Would you be willing to walk with me a couple of times a week?

I’m feeling less connected to you lately. Would you be willing to schedule a date night with me? I want to prioritize our intimacy.

These conversations can feel uncomfortable in the moment and can help you to regulate your emotions as you are making relationship choices.

It’s impossible to feel loved, valued, and heard all of the time, and you can create spaces within yourself and with others to encourage these ideas anyway.

Avoiding tough conversations can lead to a relationship problem, a decline in mental health, and an unhealthy relationship. Better communication can help support intimacy.

Being loved, valued, and heard is possible in a romantic relationship, so which type of partners just don’t work?

Which types of partners don’t work in relationships?

The Sweet Talker:

This person sweeps you off your feet, makes you their world, and puts you on a pedestal. You may feel really important in the beginning of the relationship.

Read More: “5 Warning Signs of Emotional Dissonance in Relationships”

Often, I love you might be shared right away, and lust takes over.

It can feel really intoxicating to be in these types of relationships, and they can end dramatically.

Eventually, you become a human again, fall off the pedestal, and you may be dismissed or discarded entirely.

This can be painful. If someone is making you their whole world, it may be too good to be true.

The Vampire: 

Whether the person is taking your energy, time, or money; this can be a sign of toxicity.

If you feel exhausted after spending time with a partner or friend, it may be time to move forward.

You may feel empty or depleted during time spent or even afterward.

If you feel like you would have been better off by yourself, this might be a sign that you are in the presence of someone who is willing to take more than they can give.

The Aggressor: 

If you are around a person who wants to start fights with you or others, it may be time to part ways.

The aggressor might use words or even physical violence to get their point across, and this can lead to more toxicity than it is worth.

If you are in an unsafe relationship, there is help available. An aggressive person may be keeping score to gain control, and it can lead to long-term effects.

This type of person can be an unhealthy choice when it comes to partnering up.

Though no relationship can be perfect, it can be possible to make better choices in your relationships.

Better choices can help your overall well-being.

If you identify with being in a relationship with a toxic person or maybe you think you could have toxic traits in relationships, there is support available to you.

At Denver Metro Counseling, our clinical team or therapists work with individuals, couples, and families through a trauma-informed approach in order to help improve the relationships within your life.

A change can start now.

Are you ready?

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Written by: Randi Thackeray, MA
Clinically Reviewed and Edited by: Julie Reichenberger, MA, LPC, ACS, NCC