Attachment Styles and How They Show Up in Relationships 

Article Written By: Denver Therapist, Lauren Battista, LPC, NCC, LSC

The term “attachment style” is frequently used, but what does it truly signify?

At its essence, attachment refers to the emotional connection we form with others and when it comes to relationships, an understanding of the way in which we attach can be very enlightening. 

Understanding Attachment: What Is Attachment Theory?

Developed by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory delves into how individuals connect with others in relationships based on their bonding experiences with their caregivers during childhood.

This theory posits that these early bonds persist, influencing how we navigate relationships and approach intimacy throughout our lives. 

Four Attachment Styles & How They Affect Relationships 

There are four distinct attachment patterns that exist. While adult attachment styles do not always mirror those from childhood, early attachments can significantly impact later relationships. 

1. Secure Attachment Style:

Read More: “A Guide To Clarifying Your Values in Relationships”

Central to attachment theory is the idea that responsive caregivers foster a sense of security in infants.

Those with secure attachment can trust others, take responsibility for errors, and form strong, meaningful connections with others.

In relationships, securely attached individuals adeptly manage conflicts, establish healthy boundaries, and exhibit a strong sense of self-worth.

While not a guarantee of perfection, a secure attachment style can contribute to handling relationship complexities with more ease and resilience. 

How Secure Attachment Shows Up in Relationships:

Individuals with secure attachment styles are more likely to be able to communicate openly and honestly with their partners.

They tend to approach conflicts with a collaborative mindset, seeking resolutions that prioritize the well-being of the relationship rather than just the self.

Securely attached individuals feel comfortable with both closeness and independence, fostering a balanced dynamic in their partnerships. 

2. Ambivalent or Anxious Attachment Style:

Also known as “anxious-preoccupied” attachment, this style is associated with individuals who may come off as “needy” or “clingy.”

They fear rejection, harbor uncertainties, and lack self-esteem, seeking love and attention externally.

Conflicting feelings about trust can lead to anxiety and panic during perceived threats in a relationship. 

How Ambivalent or Anxious Attachment Shows Up in Relationships:

In relationships, individuals with ambivalent attachment styles may exhibit heightened emotional intensity and a strong desire for reassurance.

They may struggle with perceived abandonment, leading to frequent seeking of validation and closeness from their partners.

However, their fear of rejection may create a push-and-pull dynamic, making it challenging to establish a stable and secure connection. 

3. Avoidant Attachment Style:

Read More: “How Attachment Styles Relate To Fear of Abandonment In Relationships”

Sometimes referred to as “avoidant-dismissive,” this style can find emotional and/or physical intimacy challenging.

Independence is paramount, making it difficult to be with a partner displaying signs of “neediness.”

The fear of intimacy may project as distance, aloofness, or selfishness.

Rooted in a caregiver’s unavailability or inconsistency during early life, this attachment style can hinder fulfilling connections. 

How Avoidant Attachment Shows Up in Relationships:

Since individuals with avoidant attachment styles often struggle with intimacy, this creates a sense of distance in their relationships.

They might prioritize independence and self-sufficiency, potentially leading to challenges in meeting their partner’s emotional needs.

Fearful of dependency, they may find it challenging to establish deep emotional connections and often seek shorter-term “flings”.  

4. Disorganized Attachment:

Also known as “fearful-avoidant,” this style reflects a belief that they are unworthy of love or close relationships, often stemming from childhood neglect or abuse.

Difficulty self-soothing emotions may lead to controlling or insensitive behaviors in relationships.  

How Disorganized Attachment Shows Up in Relationships:

Individuals with disorganized attachment styles may struggle with emotional regulation, leading to unpredictable behaviors in relationships.

They may exhibit a fear of vulnerability, creating challenges in establishing trust.

The desire for love and connection may be overshadowed by deep-seated fears and insecurities, impacting the overall stability of the relationship. 

Identifying Your Attachment Style

Various tools, such as online quizzes or books like “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep—Love” by Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A., can help you discover more about your attachment style.

Consulting with a therapist can also provide valuable guidance in navigating attachment-related questions and fostering healthier patterns moving forward.  

The Significance of Knowing Your Attachment Style

Understanding your attachment style provides insights into your behaviors in relationships.

It illuminates compatibility with potential partners and aids in communication, helping you break free from negative patterns as you mature. 

Why It’s Important to Know Your Attachment Style:

Self-Awareness and Personal Growth:

Knowing your attachment style allows for self-reflection and a deeper understanding of your emotional responses and relationship patterns.

This self-awareness is the first step towards personal growth, as it empowers you to make informed choices about your behaviors and reactions. 

Building Healthy Relationships:

Awareness of your attachment style enables you to recognize potential challenges in forming and maintaining relationships.

By understanding how your attachment style influences your interactions, you can actively work towards building healthier connections with others. 

Effective Communication:

Read More: “How Your Expectations Of Relationship Influence The Relationships You Have”

Your attachment style impacts how you communicate and express emotions in relationships.

Knowing your style allows you to communicate more effectively with your partner, fostering understanding and mutual support. 

Conflict Resolution:

Understanding your attachment style provides insights into how you approach conflicts.

It sheds light on the tools you may need to build to navigate disagreements constructively, which creates a more resilient and harmonious relationship. 

Breaking Patterns and Overcoming Challenges:

Knowledge of your attachment style can empower you to break free from negative patterns formed in early relationships.

It allows you to address challenges related to intimacy, trust, and vulnerability, promoting personal and relational healing. 

Choosing Compatible Partners:

Armed with knowledge about your attachment style, you can make more informed choices when selecting a partner.

Recognizing compatibility or potential challenges in attachment styles contributes to the success and longevity of relationships. 

In summary, knowing your attachment style is an important step towards building fulfilling and sustainable relationships.

It provides an opportunity for self-discovery, personal growth, and the creation of meaningful connections with others. 

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Denver Therapist, Lauren Battista

Denver therapist, Lauren Battista, helps people navigate their attachment styles and how they impact their relationships.

Lauren supports people, using therapy approaches known to be helpful, supportive, non-judgmental and non-pathological as they explore and try out new ways of relating with themselves and others.

Lauren provides therapy for teens and adults throughout Colorado online and at Denver Metro Counseling in-person.

She uses EMDR therapy, Brainspotting, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and other mindfulness-based and attachment-based approaches to help her clients through their journey to a more self-lead life.

If you are curious about working with Lauren or want to know more about her and her approaches, reach out to schedule a free 20-minute phone consultation, check out her bio on our website or visit her account on instagram @lb_does_therapy