A Guide To Clarifying Your Values in Relationships

Article written by Denver therapist, Lauren Battista, LPC, NCE, LSC

Do you find yourself months or even years into a relationship only to discover you have different values and expectations of the relationship?

Having a clear understanding of what values matter most to you in the context of your relationships makes the process of figuring out how compatible you are with someone, platonic or romantic.

While it is not necessary to share all of the same relationship values with a friend or romantic partner, it can make being in a relationship easier.

Having different values or viewpoints in relationship can work. Depending on the compatibility of the values, how each person in the relationship treats the other’s values.

Starting from a place of open communication, curiosity, respect, and desire to understand each other can help in figuring out whether you are compatible with someone who may have different values than you.

What Are Your Relationship Values?

When considering your values in a relationship, it is important to keep in mind that a values-based approach is becoming more clear on how you want to show up in relationships and what is important to you in regards to boundaries.

What is important to you in a romantic relationship may be very different from how you’d like to show up in a platonic or professional one.

Consider the type of relationship as you reflect on the following guidance.

While this guide is not exhaustive of values one might have, the following questions can help you in identifying and clarifying values that are most important to you when it comes to relationships:

Identify Your Non-Negotiables, or Boundaries, in Relationships:

Read More: “How Your Expectations Of Relationship Influence The Relationships You Have”

• What lines will you not tolerate being crossed?
• What are behaviors or qualities you are not okay with?
• What do you absolutely need in a partner or friend?
• What are qualities you want in a partner or friend?
• What is important for you to maintain in your personal life, while in a relationship?

Non-negotiables act as boundaries. In a healthy relationship, they ensure everyone in the relationship can express their need for personal space, likes, and dislikes without fear.

Communicating these expectations with another person in the beginning stages of a relationship can foster a sense of emotional and physical security and provide a clear understanding of each person’s values.

For instance, some may consider compatibility with their family, or regular and frequent communication as their non-negotiables.

Others may need someone who can be independent in their hobbies and interests as their non-negotiables.

Consider How You Want To Treat and Be Treated in A Relationship:

• How do you want to treat your partner or friend? How would you like to be treated in return?
• Do you want your partner to treat you equal to their other relationships? Or, does it feel better when they treat you differently from others in their life?
• What specific qualities or actions do you find appealing in the ways that you see other people in your life being treated?

Clarifying how you want to feel in relationships sheds light on your personal values.

We are responsible for how we show up and treat others in relationships. When we show up congruent to how we want to be seen, we are living in alignment with our values.

While we cannot expect someone to show up exactly as we want all the time, we can have clarity with what support might feel good to give and receive and we can communicate that.

Having expectations other’s aren’t able to live up to can lead to disappointment and resentment.

However, if we are clear with what we like, and understanding of what someone else is capable of, we can come to compromise that feels okay to both.

Whether it’s expressing equality, love, challenge, or independence, understanding what is important can help you articulate your expectations in relationships.

It also allows the other person to consider whether this is something they are able to give if it’s something you expect of them as well.

Values Outside A Relationship:

• What aspects of your life are important for another person to be able to understand and respect?
• What is important for you to maintain while in relationship with others?

The areas of your life that consume your time and energy often point towards core values.

Dedication to work, family, religious beliefs, creative endeavors, or maintaining close friendships may reveal what matters most to you outside of a romantic relationship.

When it comes to relationships, it makes sense that you might want your partner to honor your commitment to these pursuits.

Learning From The Past:

• What challenges in past relationships left you feeling undervalued?
• How do you feel about how you showed up in past relationships?
• Have you noticed recurring behaviors or patterns you’d like to change?
• Are there any qualities from past relationships you would like to incorporate?

Taking time to intentionally reflect on past experiences can provide valuable insight in many ways.

This practice can allow us to take a closer look at times our boundaries have been honored and when they have been compromised. It provides a space to reflect on how we showed up and if it’s something we feel good or not so good about.

It can shed light on ways we may have changed or how our values have shifted over time.

From there, we can be more intentional about what to pay attention to when entering future relationships. We can be more thoughtful about how we show up.

Communication and Resolving Conflict:

Read More: “The Truth About Hard Conversations And Helpful Tips”

• How would you like to communicate in relationships?
• What strategies do you use for resolving conflicts? How does that work?
• How would you like to approach conflict in a relationship?
• Do you feel best with open and honest communication? Do you lean towards diplomacy and compromise? Do you tend to avoid?

Communication is one of the leading causes of conflict in relationships.

Learning healthy ways to communicate, and practicing communicating in more helpful ways can take time and intentional effort.

Being aware of how you communicate and ways you’d like to communicate is a good place to start.

Effective, regular communication is important in any relationship.

Being clear on your preferred communication style and conflict resolution strategies helps establish a foundation for understanding and resolving issues.

Reflecting on how you tend to communicate, whether it’s how you’d like to communicate or not, can shed light on areas of growth for you in regards to communication.

Personal Growth and Development:

• How do you view personal growth within a relationship?
• Do you need a partner or friend who encourages and supports your personal development? Are you willing to do the same for them?
• Are continuous learning and shared aspirations important in your relationships?

As people evolve and make changes in their life, it can impact multiple areas of life, including our relationships.

If two people are on different pages about personal growth and reflection, it may lead to growing apart over time.

If personal growth and development are important to you, communicating this up front can prevent potential conflict down the road.

If personal growth and development are important to you, having a partner, friend, or colleague who can support this is important.

Without support from those close, you may find yourself compromising your own values or seeking support elsewhere.

Understanding whether you value mutual support for individual growth can be a determining factor in fostering a healthy and enriching connection.

Shared Interests and Hobbies:

• How important is it for you to share interests and hobbies with your partner or friends?
• Do you value pursuing common passions, or do you appreciate individual pursuits within the relationship?
• What role do shared activities play in bonding and strengthening connections for you?

Exploring how having shared interests and hobbies in your relationships might feel to you, helps shed light on whether you find value in shared experiences or if you appreciate the autonomy of pursuing individual passions.

Independence and Togetherness:

Read More: “5 Secrets To Healthy Relationships”

• How much independence do you need within a relationship?
• Do you value having personal space and time for individual pursuits?
• What is your perspective on the balance between independence and togetherness in a healthy relationship?

Striking a balance between independence and togetherness that works for both people is crucial in a relationship.

Depending on a person’s early experiences and their attachment style, their stance on this may be widely different from your own.

Clarifying your preference on personal space and autonomy helps set expectations and ensures compatibility in terms of the level of closeness you desire, allowing you to determine whether or not you can show up in the ways another person needs, and vice versa.

Cultural and Moral Alignment:

• How important is cultural or moral alignment in your relationships?
• Do shared values in terms of culture, ethics, and morals hold significance for you?
• How does aligning with someone on fundamental beliefs contribute to the strength of a relationship for you?

Assessing the importance of cultural and moral alignment helps define the foundation of shared beliefs. This can contribute to a deeper understanding and connection with others.

For some, aligning with others who share the same faith is of extreme importance while for others, an understanding and desire to learn more about their culture and morals is what matters more.

Values May Change and Shift Over Time

Keep in mind that as we continually grow and change, our values and relationships do the same.

Big life events such as having a child, experiencing a loss, retiring from a job, or experiencing medical challenges can result in a shift in priorities of what matters in life.

Regularly revisiting these questions allows for ongoing self-discovery, ensuring that your values are aligned with your evolving self both inside and outside of relationships.

By staying attuned to your values, you enhance your ability to form meaningful and fulfilling connections with others.

Are you ready to take a look at your relationship values?

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Denver Therapist, Lauren Battista

Lauren gets excited about exploring values and relationships with clients. She helps people become clear on what is important to them in a relationship with them selves and others.

Sometimes, we get in our own way of moving toward relationships that are important in our lives. Lauren helps people identify what their blocks may be and works with people to figure out ways of unblocking themselves.

Lauren takes both a trauma-informed and solution-focused approach drawing upon her clients’ strengths while supporting them along their journey.

If you are curious about Lauren, check out her instagram page @lb_does_therapy or see her bio on our website.