How Dysfunctional Families (and You) Can Break Generational Cycles

Family systems can keep you stuck in patterns that are no longer serving you. The way you grew up can indicate which patterns you perpetuate as an adult.

Breaking generational cycles of substance abuse or addiction, trauma or other disruptive patterns can be incredibly difficult, and, it is not impossible.

There are tools, groups, and therapeutic spaces that can help you to unlearn patterns, one step at a time.

It can be important to remember that even though you might be a product of a dysfunctional family, you can develop the tools that are already within you to break the cycle.

Cycle breakers are people who no longer carry out dysfunctional, unspoken tasks of their family through denial.

How do I know if I grew up in a dysfunctional family?

Signs of dysfunctional families can vary, and there are a few key ways to identify if your family system is dysfunctional:

• Your family doesn’t want to talk about what is going on in the family unit (denial).
• Your family doesn’t trust people outside of the nuclear (direct) family system.
• Your family doesn’t hold space for emotions and feelings that come up.
  

  Read More: “The Unspoken Rules of A Dysfunctional Family”

In simpler terms, Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, and Don’t Feel are indicators of dysfunctional families whether substance abuse or addiction are current headliners and can mean generational trauma is still part of your unit.

Denial is the main reason that generational cycles are not repaired.

By not acknowledging that there is a problem, a family member can sweep harm under the rug and go on without looking back. You do not have to turn over every stone to heal.

You can take one step at a time.

What is a dysfunctional generational cycle?

A generational cycle is a thought, perspective, and/or belief that is emotionally or culturally passed down from one generation to another. They are patterns and reactions to our experiences learned through generations.

Examples of generational cycles being rooted in dysfunction, abuse, or disruptive patterns can include but are not limited to experienced racism, poverty, domestic abuse, substance use and addiction, parental neglect, narcissism, mental illness, prison, and sexual abuse.

If you grew up within a family that lived through these cycles, your family may have responded and created dysfunctional ways of dealing or in many cases, surviving.

This doesn’t have to be a pattern you continue; it can be an invitation to seek out resources for healing and health.

Children may experience emotional or physical neglect by parents who are unable to support their own emotional needs.

This can look like:

• Managing emotions or feelings on your own – soothing or taking care of yourself when you’re upset
• Seeking comfort in distraction, imaginary friends, staying away from home, reading books for hours, playing video games for hours
• Taking care of younger sibling(s) emotional and/or physical needs
• Comforting your parent(s) when they are upset
• Being a ‘good kid’ to avoid punishment or upsetting parent(s)
• Taking care of parent(s) physical needs
• Fearing coming home to what’s unexpected – what mood will mom or dad or other caregiver be in?
• Hiding in your room
• Over functioning to make up for lack of support
• Hiding alcohol, or other substances in attempts to keep your parent(s) from using
• Using alcohol or drugs at a young age to cope or avoid feeling

Support is available for breaking unhealthy generational cycles

If alcoholism, unhealthy substance use, or addiction run in your family, recovery groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon, Codependents Anonymous, Adult Children of Alcoholics, and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous can all be a way to know that you are not alone, and there is help available.

Read More: “What To Know About Anxiety Due To Generational Trauma”

There are supportive relational groups in the community to try out as well. Authentic Relating groups or workshops offer “groundbreaking work [that] has impacted people around the world by teaching powerful practical skills and tools to create meaningful relationships in personal and professional settings”.

If you are an adult survivor of sexual abuse, you can  join a Wings Support Group online in Colorado that supports healing and forming new cycles for yourself.

NAMI offers peer based support groups for those who live with mental illness as well as support groups for family members of someone who lives with mental illness. This is another way to find community and understanding in your own journey of making changes.

There is no shame in seeking help and support through community. In fact, hearing stories of others can help you see you were not alone in your experience.

It can also help you to make sense of your own experience and provide insights you were not aware of in regards to your family and they dysfunctional dynamics.

It is better to get help now than silently suffer with pain that is due to family systems you couldn’t control in the first place.

In addition to considering therapy for yourself, you can also attend family therapy with one or more of your family members if they are also willing and ready to work on the relationships. Family therapy is for adult families, not just families with teens or children.

As an adult, you have choices. As a child, you didn’t.

When you don’t feel heard, validated, or loved; it is easy to repeat patterns that are no longer serving you like seeking out harmful relationships, increasing substance use, addiction to narcissistic people in relationships, and continuing cycles of abuse.

These are not patterns repeated by accident. You are not repeating these cycles by accident. These are generational patterns and cycles that will continue unless you actively heal yourself.

Substance abuse is not the only way to categorize a dysfunctional family.

If your parents struggled with substance abuse, it can mean that you tend to love people who are addicted to substances or you have an unhealthy relationship with substances.

If you suffered from religious abuse, growing up in a cult, or another form of abuse, you may have the characteristics of a dysfunctional family.

Intergenerational trauma and childhood trauma can impact future generations. Unresolved trauma from a family pattern can lead to harm to an adult child.

What does it mean to heal yourself?

Healing yourself doesn’t look or feel a certain way.

There is no end to healing or being “healed”. Rather, it is a lifelong journey of learning to accept and better understand yourself and to unlearning patterns that no longer serve you so that you can live a life better than you thought possible.

Read More: “Understanding EMDR Therapy and Ways It Can Support You on Your Healing Journey”

It may sound like magic, and it can be incredibly tough.

Often, people will combine many modalities to help themselves come to a better understanding of their experience in the world.

Healing can mean learning to connect to your body through physical movement, seeking therapy from trauma-informed therapists, committing to a support or recovery group, learning how your body holds grief through somatic therapy or EMDR therapy, learning more about your reactions to life through Internal Family Systems therapy, and creating an identity for yourself that you like to show up for each day.

There is not a one-size fits all approach to healing.

It looks different for everyone, and it can start with a simple step of looking into a group, trying therapy or finding a supportive peer group.

What is the solution to overcoming cycles of a dysfunctional family?

The solution looks different for everyone, and there is not a one-size fits all approach.

Therapy is not a place where solutions are given but rather learned through repeated actions, learning new insights, getting in touch with yourself, learning to trust, and sifting through outcomes of your life experiences.

If you grew up in a dysfunctional family system, becoming your own living parent is a way to help yourself according to Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Learning how to parent yourself in ways that you were never parented as a child can be incredibly helpful and loving. This bond within yourself can make profound impacts in your daily life.

You may start being in relationships with healthier people at work and at home.

A gentle approach is key when it comes to helping yourself with childhood trauma. It takes patience, love, and care. Take it one step at a time.

To help yourself through generational cycles, Denver Metro Counseling can help.

The trauma-informed approach our clinical team uses can be helpful for many people who find themselves impacted by dysfunctional families as an adult.

Healing can start with you, and it doesn’t have to be done alone. Our therapists are trained in several modalities, and can help you to understand how you are playing out patterns in your daily life.

***
Written by: Randi Thackeray, MA
Clinically Reviewed and Edited by: Julie Reichenberger, MA, LPC, ACS