Polyvagal Theory & Mental Health Series: Co-Regulation in a Hyper-Independent World 

Article written by Denver therapist, Meghan Stetson

As we’ve been exploring in our Polyvagal Theory (PVT) & Mental Health series, the main premise of PVT is that as humans, our systems operate best when we feel safe.

From our prior articles in this series, we know that, through Neuroception (or, the “sense” of our nervous system), our nervous system is constantly scanning for signals of safety or danger inside of ourselves, in our relationships, and in our environment.

We also know that through the Vagus Nerve, or our “major mind-body highway,” those signals get communicated throughout our entire system, which has enormous impact for our mental, physical, and spiritual health, and for our overall wellbeing.

In this article, we are going to look at the essential nature of healthy relationships and Co-Regulation inside of PVT.

We know intuitively that relationships matter.

PVT shows us that they are biological necessities for us.

Co-Regulation for Survival

We all know this, but it’s worth pointing out in this conversation: As humans, when we are born, we very simply rely on a caregiver for survival.

Read More: “Polyvagal Theory & Mental Health Series: A General Overview

There are other mammals who, when born, can function well on their own. These types of mammals are called “precocial.”

Think elephants and giraffes here. We as humans, on the other hand, are “altricial.”

We are not yet able to move around or find food on our own and we must be cared for.

Underneath what’s visible, our brains and nervous systems are nowhere near their fullest development.

We are born with the amount of neurons that we will have for our entire lives, however it’s the neural networks and connections amongst our neurons that are in need of much development and growth.

What helps us make these networks?

Other safe, mature nervous systems through co-regulation.

Co-Regulation & Attachment

We know that our relationships with our primary caregiver(s) have the biggest influence on the development of our neural networks.

This means we need co-regulation and healthy attachment with our caregivers not just to survive physically as infants, but also to fully develop our neural networks and nervous systems. 

What this ideally looks like in real life is: A baby cries; a caregiver instinctively goes to the baby to soothe by attuning and connecting; the baby feels safe and relaxes.

The baby develops a sense of safety in their system and neural networks that when there is a challenge, it can be met.

The baby develops a sense of safety that relationships can regulate.

Our nervous system is thus shaped by our experiences of connection, or lack thereof.

If we learn that connecting with others is safe, our systems strengthen those pathways.

When we have experiences of attachment wounding (an unavailable parent physically or emotionally) that is received in the nervous system as a trauma.

In this experience, our systems learn that connection with others is not always safe or reliable, and our system instead replaces patterns of connection with patterns of protection or fight, flight, freeze responses.

In reality, most nervous systems are not entirely one or the other of these patterns, but each is a unique constellation based on our unique life experiences.

The good news also is that while early experiences certainly do impact neural development, nothing is fully set in stone.

Our systems very naturally want to be in a state of connection, and our systems have the capacity to re-learn, re-pattern, and shift.

Returning to a state of connection is, after all, our biological imperative.

Self-Regulation, Hyper-Independence & “Epidemic of Loneliness”

Ideally, safe co-regulation and connection with others as we grow up provides us with a template for how to self-regulate on our own in adulthood.

Capacity to self-regulate is an essential skill as humans. However, it will never fully take the place of co-regulation.

We just very simply biologically need safe connections with others due to our biology.

In a “post-covid” America in the 2020s, that idea may not land so easily with everyone due to the present challenges in connecting socially on a societal level.

The US Surgeon General declared an “Epidemic of Loneliness & Isolation”  as a public health crisis in 2023 and wrote about the healing effects of social connection and community.

Read More: “Understanding Polyvagal Theory: How Neuroception Impacts Mental Well-Being”

The effects of the global pandemic are compounded with American culture, where we have long celebrated the “heroic” path of the individual to “pull themselves up by the bootstraps.”

Globally, America is quite an individualistic society where self-development and personal achievement are heralded and celebrated.

In many other countries and societies, a more collectivistic culture is present, where one’s role inside of a family, community, and system is what matters the most.

And again, we need both. We need to be strong individuals, but we need to be strong individuals who are connected to others and in community.

We need healthy interdependence and to find a middle-ground, and PVT says finding this is biologically beneficial for us all.

Co-Regulation for Mental Health & Overall Wellbeing

The Surgeon General’s overview of the healing effects of social connection and community outlines its impacts on psychological & behavioral processes including suicidality, self-harm, depression, anxiety, and cognitive function.

The report also outlines its impact on biological processes including infectious disease, diabetes, hypertension, and cardiovascular disease.

Clearly, connection and co-regulation have enormous system-wide impact, and we know that one of the scientific bases for this is the major mind-body highway of the Vagus Nerve, whose health is determined in part by the health of our social connections.

When we have experienced relational trauma of any kind or attachment wounding of any kind, it’s essential for our mental health & overall wellbeing to start moving slowly towards larger capacity for connection and co-regulation.

This will help us to stay in our more relaxed and open nervous system states. Co-regulation can help us move into self-regulation.

It’s essential to start to identify our own patterns of protection that have outgrown their initial purpose and are now keeping us isolated, and move towards patterns of connection.

This can be slow work, and it can come with the fear and uncertainty that come with stepping into new territory inside of ourselves, but it is important work.

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Polyvagal Theory In Practice: Polyvagal Exercises You Can Try Today

Let’s get practical – for this exploration of Co-Regulation, here are some journaling and self-reflection prompts across ways to find Regulation with another.

We’ll take an expanded view of this and look at connection to not just other humans, but to other beings:

• Connection to Humans: Who in your life is a safe person with whom you feel regulated more often than not? What do you do together that feels connecting? What does it feel like to be with them when they are regulated? (Psst – your therapist counts! This is a part of what we are doing together.)
• Connection to Groups of Humans: What comes up for you with the idea of group or community? Do you have any communities or groups in which you feel safe? What are they and what feels good about your connection to this group? What groups or communities might you want to be a part of?
• Connection to Animals: Are there any animals in your life with whom you feel connected? How do you pay attention to your connection when you are together? See if you can slow things down the next timeyou are with this animal to savor the sense of connection even more.
• Connection to Nature: Do you feel a connection to nature at any time? When and where? What does it feel like for you? How can you bring more connection to nature into your life?
• Connection to Spirit: Do you feel connected to some force that is larger than you? When, where, and how? What does it feel like for you? How can you bring more of this into your life?

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Denver Therapist, Meghan Stetson

Denver therapist, Meghan Stetson is trained in Polyvagal Theory and implements her learnings to help her clients calm and re-regulate their nervous system.

Meghan incorporates mind-body practices in all the whole body approach to the work she does with her clients.

Meghan also provides training in the community on incorporating Polyvagal Theory and practices in clinical work for mental health therapists.

Meghan specializes in helping people with Chronic Illness and Chronic Pain, trauma, and cult and religious trauma.

If you are interested in learning more about working with or learning from Meghan, follow her on instagram @meghanstetson , or check her bio out on our website.